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A couple of weeks ago, a woman wrote to advice columnist Emily Yoffe, who writes the "Dear Prudence" column for Slate. The woman, who is a grandmother, explained that one day when she was a young girl, she accidentally bruised herself at school by doing something clumsy. When she came home, her mother noticed and asked what happened. The woman said that her mother "was always making me feel stupid," so instead of telling what really happened, she said that her teacher pinched her.
"I was hoping for a little 'poor baby' from her and then the whole thing would blow over," the woman wrote.
That didn't happen. Her mother became enraged, went to the school and accused the teacher. An investigation ensued, and the girl was too scared to back down. The teacher was either fired or quit to avoid criminal charges.
"I felt terrible, especially when she asked me, in tears, why I was telling that lie," the woman wrote. "It has always bothered me since."
The woman added that the event "is so far in the past that I can't see what I can do to make restitution to the teacher. Surely she is retired by now." Nonetheless, she said, she would like to do "something."
Her letter was signed "Guilty."
In her reply, Yoffe said that the fact that the woman continued to be haunted by this incident showed she was a decent person. Yoffe advised "Guilty" that since there was little likelihood that she could find the teacher, she shouldn't try to do so. Besides, Yoffe said, the teacher was probably able to continue her career elsewhere, and it could be hoped that she had put the incident behind her. Yoffe suggested that "Guilty" donate some money to a group such as the Innocence Project, which works to exonerate the wrongfully convicted. The columnist concluded, "Now it's time to recognize [that] the person who did it was a hurting little girl, and forgive her."
The Wired Word team doesn't think Yoffe's reply went far enough. One team member, Malia Miller, who was a high-school-level guidance counselor for many years and now teaches others who are in school to be counselors, said, "The suggestion from the advice columnist is a great plan B, but to really achieve the closure this woman is longing for, she should make an effort to find the teacher and seek forgiveness. What a gift for the teacher to be exonerated -- even at such a late date -- as well as redemption for the grandmother. Even if she is unsuccessful in finding her former teacher, the effort made can be very therapeutic to her emotional healing. That is the clinical view from my standpoint, but I believe it mimics the Christian journey of repentance and forgiveness taught in the scriptures."
More on this and related stories can be found at these links:
Lies and Consequences. Slate
I'll Tell You No More Lies. Slate
Embezzler Comes Clean 41 Years Later. Spokane Chronicle
The Big Questions
1. The gospel tells us that when we receive Christ, he forgives us our past sin. When we have wronged someone else in our past, is forgiveness from Christ sufficient, or do we also need to seek the forgiveness of that person insofar as possible? Explain your reasoning. What if we fail to, are unable to or do not succeed?
2. When we feel guilt over hurting someone in the past, what factors should be considered in deciding whether to seek that person out to apologize or make amends?
3. When we do seek out and apologize to someone we long ago hurt, and that person forgives us, does that end our responsibility in the matter and are we then absolved of our guilt? Is there anything else we should do?
4. When we do seek out and apologize to someone we long ago hurt, and that person refuses to forgive us, does that end our responsibility in the matter and are we then absolved of our guilt? What about when the person we hurt cannot be found or has died?
5. When both God and the person we've hurt forgive us, sometimes we nonetheless continue to feel guilty. What should we do about those feelings?
6. It's possible to become too accepting of guilt feelings -- perhaps deeming them an inevitable part of the human condition -- and thus allowing such feelings to lose their power to drive us toward redemption. How can we avoid that without wallowing in guilt for things that have been forgiven?
Confronting the News With Scripture and Hope
Here are some Bible verses to guide your discussion:
Matthew 5:23-24
So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. (No context needed.)
These words from Jesus provide a solid basis for the practice of seeking reconciliation with people we've hurt as part of an ongoing life of worship and faith.
Questions: What would you say to the woman who signed herself "Guilty"? What advice do you think Jesus would give the woman? What does this verse say to you about work you need to be doing?
Is it better to work out our differences before we worship with each other, or is it better to worship together as a prelude to or means of reconciliation? Does it even matter? What do we do if someone refuses to be reconciled?
Mark 2:5
When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Son, your sins are forgiven." (For context, read 2:1-12.)
Psalm 51:4
Against you, you alone, have I sinned ... (For context, read 51:1-17.)
This line from Mark is Jesus' first comment to the paralyzed man who had been lowered through the roof of a house where Jesus was. Jesus' comment may seem odd, because the man on the mat hadn't said anything about needing forgiveness. Given Jesus' reputation as a healer, it was obvious this man had been brought to Jesus to be healed. And, as far as anything in the text tells us, this man on the mat was a stranger to Jesus, so how did Jesus know he needed to be forgiven?
The answer has to be that Jesus knew that the man had a greater need, which, if not taken care of, would leave him crippled in mind and spirit even after his body was healed. Jesus did heal the man's body, but by also pronouncing him forgiven, Jesus made the man truly whole.
Although a surface reading of the story suggests that Jesus did this with no merit on the part of the man on the mat, Mark tells us that after this man was lowered through the roof, "Jesus saw their faith." At minimum, "their faith" refers to that of the people who were convinced enough that Jesus could help their friend that they tore the roof open. But Mark's comment about faith probably also includes the man on the mat, for he allowed himself to be the centerpiece of this bold move of his friends. And it was only after Jesus saw their faith that he said to the man, "Son, your sins are forgiven."
The psalmist reminds us that, in a very real sense, all our sins are against God, not against fellow creatures. It is a stark reminder of our relationship as responsible creatures to the Creator.
The point we can take from these Bible passages is this: We don't have to be crippled by the guilty weight of our past sins, misdeeds, mistakes, selfish actions or hurting of someone else. But it is not simply a matter of "forgiving ourselves." We know what's intended by that phrase and it has a worthwhile meaning, but technically, forgiveness is not the possession of the transgressor to give. If I have hurt you, you may choose to forgive me, but I can't just say "I forgive myself" and have fully dealt with my guilt.
More realistically, we should seek forgiveness from the one we have hurt -- when that is possible -- and we should seek forgiveness from God. That's because the opposite of guilt is not innocence, but grace -- the grace of those whose forgiveness we seek and, importantly, the grace of God extended through Jesus Christ.
Questions: What does "forgiving yourself" actually mean? How does what it means fit as a part of seeking forgiveness from those we've hurt? Why should we also seek forgiveness from God, even when our wrongdoing was not intentionally aimed at him?
How would you feel, having a complaint against someone who hurt you deeply, if that person felt off the hook because of receiving Jesus' forgiveness, especially if that person, as part of his or her testimony, told of the past wrongdoing and then bragged that the slate had been wiped clean?
Romans 3:21-24
But now, apart from law, the righteousness of God has been disclosed, and is attested by the law and the prophets, the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction, since all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God; they are now justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus ... (For context, read 3:9-26.)
Martin Luther found great help for his guilt from Romans 3. He was concerned that he might forget a sin and fail to confess it, and, as a result, lose out on salvation. Over time, and especially through his reading of Romans 3, he came to the understanding and reassurance that simply confessing one's sinfulness or one's sins "en masse," even if you can't recall every last one to confess individually (and who can?) is sufficient because our salvation is assured by God's grace, not by any work we do -- not even the "work" of confession!
Questions: In what sense is sin universal? Do you think anyone gets through life without feeling guilty for something he or she has done? What does that tell you about the need for grace?
How might "Guilty's" sin as a child have been caught up with the fear she had for her home situation (which is possibly where the real cause of the sin lies) and the brokenness from past generations that may have led to the difficult situation in which she was raised?
1 John 1:8-9
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, [God] who is faithful and just will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (For context, read 1:5-10.)
These two verses are commonly used as the introduction to the ritual confession and absolution in some denominational worship books. The implication is that confession is a necessary step on the way to absolution.
In terms of the woman in the advice column letter, there is good that could come -- both for her and for her teacher, if she is found -- by confessing and apologizing to the one who was hurt. But if that proves impossible, this passage could remind her and others riddled with such guilt that God is faithful and just and forgives us all our sins when we confess to him.
Questions: What do you think led John to make this bold assertion about the pervasiveness of sin? Why do you suppose he said denial of one's sin is self-deception?
Micah 7:19
[God] will again have compassion upon us; he will tread our iniquities under foot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea. (For context, read 7:18-20.)
When we repent of whatever we have done wrong, others may or may not remember our past, but as far as God is concerned, we have no reputation to live down. We may have work to do with those we've hurt, but as far as God is concerned, our sins of the past are not merely forgiven; they are forgotten.
This verse tells us that God pitches our sins into "the depths of the sea." We suspect he then posts a "no fishing" sign.
Questions: What hope do you take from this verse? How does this help with guilt you feel regarding someone with whom you cannot reconcile because they have died or cannot be located?
For Further Discussion
1. Comment on this, from team member Joanna Loucky-Ramsey: "I agree the advice given by Prudence is not particularly helpful, except for the part that she needs to forgive herself. But that does not erase her haunting guilt any more than waving a magic wand makes someone a princess. Nor does it make things right for the teacher, who very likely did not find another teaching position as the columnist seems to naively believe she could do easily. I do not agree that the woman should make no effort to find the teacher she wronged. And if she cannot find her, she could at least contact the school where the teacher taught, confess to the school board so that the teacher's name could at long last be cleared. That is closer to some kind of justice than sweeping it under the rug and pretending it never happened and that a woman's reputation was not damaged.
"And beyond that, the question of how one gets forgiveness or makes amends remains. The woman's relationship with the teacher, with the community at large and with God are all involved. If she is ever to really feel whole again, each of these relationships needs to be addressed. And beyond that, her self-image of herself as a liar needs to be transformed, which can only happen when she finds forgiveness and cleansing from her sin through the blood Jesus shed for her. In a way, it doesn't matter why she lied, although we can all empathize with her childhood fear and hunger to be loved that were behind her lie. What matters is that that one deed had haunted her her whole life, and completely changed the teacher's life as well. She caused unimaginable pain to her teacher and needs to find genuine redemption."
2. Discuss this story that was shared with TWW anonymously: "Our family suspects that my grandma slept with my grandpa out of wedlock and then felt obligated to marry him. Divorced when their second baby (my mom) was only six months old, she seemed to carry a heavy burden of guilt her whole life. Though she never talked about the details, her somber personality (some would say 'dour') and what we see in hindsight as depression point to unresolved guilt. Not long before her death at age 85, in private and without offering specifics, she asked my dad, a pastor, what to do about a sin she couldn't forgive herself for. His response went something like this: 'You give it to Jesus, because he has already forgiven you.' Of course we hope she took his counsel to heart, but it's a shame she had to wait so long to experience peace."
3. Comment on this: In their book If Grace Is True, Phillip Gulley and James Mulholland suggest that in heaven, each of us will sit between two people. On one side will be the person we need most to forgive and on the other side will be the person who most needs our forgiveness. Perhaps the authors are saying that part of the work of heaven is the reconciliation of all things. That sounds like a lot of work, but perhaps that's what eternity is for.
4. In his book Amish Grace, Donald Kraybill and coauthors say that according to the Amish, forgiveness is automatic, whether or not the person wishes to forgive, wants to be forgiven or deserves it. Pardon requires victim and victimizer to work together. Reconciliation takes even more work. From this position, what might the Amish advise the woman who wrote to the advice columnist?
Responding to the News
We ought not to assume that because our friends and fellow parishioners are Christians, none experience any guilt over things in the past. It's good to preach and teach occasionally -- even to longtime Christians, including ourselves -- that God forgives sin and that it's important to seek to right old wrongs, when possible.
Lord, forgive us our sins, both as we forgive those who have sinned against us and as we seek forgiveness from those against whom we have sinned. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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