Joe Biden Tells of Grief, Suicidal Thoughts, After Death of Wife and Daughter

Joe Biden Tells of Grief, Suicidal Thoughts, After Death of Wife and Daughter

The Wired Word for June 3, 2012

In the News

"For the first time in my life, I understood how someone could consciously decide to commit suicide."

That's how Vice President Joe Biden characterized his feelings upon learning, almost 40 years ago, that his wife and 1-year-old daughter had been killed in a car accident and that his two sons, also in the car, were badly injured.

Biden made this comment on Memorial Day in a deeply personal and, at times, emotional address to the suvivors of slain U.S. military service members who had come to a Washington gathering arranged by the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), a nonprofit advocacy group.

Explaining his sudden understanding of why someone might choose suicide, Biden said, "Not because they were deranged, not because they were nuts, [but] because they'd been to the top of the mountain and they just knew in their heart they'd never get there again, that it was … never going to be that way ever again." Then, connecting to the sense of loss shared by his audience, he added, "That's how an awful lot of you feel."

Biden told his audience of being told about the accident that claimed his wife and daughter in a phone call on December 18, 1972, shortly after he was first elected to the U.S. Senate from Delaware. While he was in Washington, D.C., his wife, Neilia, 1-year-old daughter, Naomi, and sons, Beau and Hunter, were Christmas shopping in Hockessin, Delaware. Their car was struck by a tractor-trailer. Only Beau and Hunter survived.

"And just like you guys know by the tone of a phone call -- you just knew, didn't you?" Biden said. "You knew when they walked up the path. You knew when the call came. You knew. You just felt it in your bones something bad happened."

Biden added, "And I knew. I don't know how I knew. But the call said my wife was dead, my daughter was dead, and I wasn't sure how my sons were going to make it."

He went on to tell the families that he understands the "black hole you feel in your chest, like you're being sucked back into it." He also told them that while the ache never goes away, it "gets controllable."

"Just remember two things," Biden said. "Keep thinking what your husband or wife would want you to do. Keep thinking what it is, and keep remembering those kids of yours, or him or her the rest of [your] life, blood of my blood, bone of my bone, because, folks, it can and will get better."

"There will come a day, I promise you, and your parents, as well, when the thought of your son or daughter or your husband or wife brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye," Biden said. "It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner or later. But the only thing I have more experience than you in is this: I'm telling you it will come."

More on this story can be found at this link:

Joe Biden Reflects on Immense Grief After Loss of Wife, Daughter. ABC News
 
The Big Questions

1. Mr. Biden expressed personal understanding of suicidal thoughts without endorsing suicide itself. Suicide can be driven by several factors, including despair, grief, loss, a sense of futility, physical pain, a terminal medical diagnosis, a desire to avoid consequences for one's actions, and others. What does Christianity have to say to those who are despairing? to those grieving? to those suffering from loss? to those feeling that life is futile? to those living with great pain? to those who've received a terminal diagnosis? to those wanting to avoid consequences?

2. What can a church do to help prevent suicides among those connected to that congregation?

3. When a suicide has occurred within a family that is part of your church, what ongoing measures should that congregation take to help the surviving family members? Does ministry to such persons need to be different from ministry to those who have lost a family member through natural causes? Why or why not? Should every incidence of grief in a congregation be a call for caregivers to get involved? Explain.

4. How would you summarize the Christian message of hope to someone in deep grief or despair? How do you avoid making this message of hope sound like a bandage instead of real comfort?

5. Biden's comments might be summarized as "I was able to survive deep grief and find joy in life again, and you who are grieving now can, too." What personal account can you share that might help or comfort others who are in grief or despair or who are feeling that there is no reason to go on?

Confronting the News with Scripture
Here are some Bible verses to guide your discussion:

Genesis 25:22
"If it is to be this way, why do I live?" (For context, read 25:19-28.)

This question is from Rebekah, the wife of the patriarch Isaac, while she was pregnant with twins. Genesis says, "the children struggled together within her," but that doesn't tell the whole story. Very likely, as she progressed toward full term, Rebekah had both great physical discomfort and a significant crashing of emotions that can sometimes go with pregnancy. Thus she utters the words above, questioning the value of her own life. (The Jerusalem Bible translates her comment as, "If this is the way it is, why go on living?")

Pregnancy, of course, is a temporary condition. So if Rebekah had taken her life, she would have been applying a permanent solution to a temporary problem. While most suicide attempts are not related to pregnancy, many reflect that reality of taking a permanent exit from a passing difficulty. But someone in situational may be unable to imagine that there will ever be a way out. And when a person can't see how things are ever going to get any better, desperation gets a foothold.

In Rebekah's case, "she went to inquire of the LORD" (v. 22b), seeking help through prayer and apparently finding it. We should not oversimplify that, however. Many people who have taken their lives prayed for help before they took that final exit. In their despair, they may not have been able to perceive an answer, but we should not assume that they made no attempt to find one.

Questions: What sorts of help, in addition to prayer, can lead a person to find another solution to life's problems besides suicide? When has someone reached out to you when you really needed it? Were there times you effectively helped someone in time of difficulty? times when you wish you had reached out?

Job 3:11
"Why did I not die at birth, come forth from the womb and expire?" (For context, read 3:11-19.)

Job's story, with the great suffering and loss afflicted on him, is well known, so it's not surprising to hear him express, in the verse above, a desire to have been a stillborn child. In effect, Job, like Biden, is saying that in the midst of his suffering, he can understand why someone might choose to die. Though he admits this, Job doesn't do anything to end his life.

Questions: Some people in circumstances terrible enough to make death preferable choose to cling to life instead. What do you think enables them to do that? How might their experience be shared to help others with suicidal thoughts choose life? Does the experience of surviving grief and sorrow help one get through the next loss? Can we learn

from another's experience of grief or do we have to get through it ourselves first?

Lamentations 3:21-23
"But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (For context, read 3:16-33.)

When we understand the context in which these verses appear, we see that they express a truly remarkable confidence. The book of Lamentations is a collection of five laments bewailing the fall of Jerusalem to the Babylonians in 586 B.C. These laments -- funeral dirges, in effect -- were probably used on days of public fasting to remember that dire event and mourn the fate of the city and its inhabitants, many of whom were forced into exile in Babylon.

Yet here in the midst of this book of sorrows is the powerful statement of faith that states the ground for hope. That hope is because of the "steadfast love of the Lord," which comes to us fresh every morning.

Questions: How can the renewing force of hope be communicated to those whose inner vision can see only loss or pain? Is it enough to quote Scripture or point to the example of others? How do we bring Scripture to life? How important is our simply being present -- showing up -- in these times?

Acts 16:27-28
"When the jailer woke up and saw the prison doors wide open, he drew his sword and was about to kill himself, since he supposed that the prisoners had escaped. But Paul shouted in a loud voice, 'Do not harm yourself, for we are all here.'" (For context, read 16:16-40.)

When Paul and Silas were imprisoned in Philippi, an earthquake occurred, which sprung the prison doors open and unfastened the chains of all the prisoners. The jailer, assuming the inmates had fled and that he would be held accountable by the Roman authorities for their escape, was about to kill himself when Paul stopped him, shouting to him that the prisoners were still in the cells. The jailer then asked Paul and Silas what he needed to do to be saved, and the two led him to Christ.

In telling this story, we often focus on the conversion of the jailer under the direction of Paul and Silas, but we should also note that Paul prevented the man's suicide, which is also a "love your neighbor" act.

Choosing to die is very much an individual decision and we should be cautious in placing blame on others. Many people who take their own lives don't reveal their intentions and thus don't give others an opportunity to attempt to intervene. And those who do seek help sometimes still kill themselves, so those who attempt to help shouldn't be blamed. But in the occasion when we can at least share a word of hope, it is good to do so, regardless of what decision the despairing person ultimately makes.

Questions: Does the jailer’s choice of death rather than face consequences make sense in his society but not in ours? Do some cultures seem to favor death more than others in difficult situations? Calling to mind those horrific scenes when some chose to leap from the Twin Towers on 9/11 rather than burn alive, how do you think God views these choices? How do you?

Romans 8:24-25
"For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what is seen? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience." (For context, read 8:18-25.)

In the New Testament, hope means the presence of a future. It has more to do with expectation than desire. It means waiting with open arms for the future God brings, a future that is worth living in. Biblical hope doesn't mean expecting a future that is all we want it to be -- in fact, it's based on the understanding that we can't know in any substantial way what the contents of the future is. But it also means that we believe God can be trusted to be with us whatever comes, and into eternity.

Questions: What is the fundamental difference between hope and despair? Given that Christianity is driven by faith, hope and love, why do even some Christians commit suicide?

For Further Discussion

1. Respond to this, from Pastor James L. Killen Jr., who is addressing those who may be considering  suicide:

"Our Christian faith tells us that God loves us, even when we can't love ourselves, and that our lives are precious to God, even if they seem, for a time, not to be precious to us. It

tells us that God has given us our lives as good gifts and that God wants our lives to be good and that God is working to make our lives good, even if we cannot see that. It tells us that even when our lives are terribly messed up and we cannot see any way for them to be put right again, there is one whom we can't see who is at work to save. Remember those things and, if you ever find yourself thinking about suicide, talk to yourself about them.

"While you are talking to yourself, talk back to those sinister voices that talk nonsense from the dark corners of your mind. Don't let yourself get enamored with the idea of suicide as if there is something glamorous or heroic about it. There is nothing glamorous about it. In most cases, it is terrible. And it is not heroic. There is all of the difference in the world between going to meet your death with courage when it is time to die on the one hand, and using death as a way to escape from the difficulties of life on the other. And don't let yourself be seduced into thinking that your suicide will solve problems that you have caused in the lives of people you love. Far from solving problems, your suicide would create more problems than you can imagine for the ones you love. ...

"Hold on tightly to the good gift of life and believe that, because God is a living God, there is always hope for you. Then look for the ways in which God may be reaching out to help you. Much depression may actually be the result of chemical imbalances in our bodies, and medical care can be the agent of God's saving work. Go to see a doctor. If the problems are more complex than that, then sharing your feelings with a caring friend can help you to get things into perspective. Find someone who is willing to listen to you. Keep looking until you find someone who will take your hand and help you climb out of the gloom. If you need to, get psychiatric help. Forget the stigma. This is your life we are talking about. Even if you can't see how your problems could ever be solved, know that there is one who is at work to help in your life in ways that you cannot know or anticipate. Put your trust in God and God will give you back your future. ...

"Take the words of the psalmist (130) for your prayer and discover the hope into which they have led people for thousands of years. 'Out of the depths have I cried to you, O Lord. Lord hear my voice ... There is forgiveness with you ... I wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I hope; my soul waits for the Lord more than those who watch for the morning, more than those who watch for the morning.' Hold on to your life and trust God to make it better. If you hold on to it, your life can get better. If you let it go, it can't. Hold on and wait for the morning." (From Killen's book, What Does the Lord Require? [Lima, Ohio: CSS Publishing, 2004]).

2. Are our attempts to speak of the eternal fate of persons who commit suicide a usurping of God's prerogative? Why or why not?

Responding to the News
 
Some guidance for helping someone who acknowledges that he or she is contemplating suicide can be found at this link: How to Help Someone Who is Feeling Suicidal. About.com.

Other News This Week

Telling Stories or Telling the Truth

Former Long Beach (Calif.) Polytechnic High football star Brian Banks, who was a USC recruit and NFL hopeful, spent five years in jail after being falsely accused of rape and kidnapping by a woman who subsequently recanted her story. Ironically, the accuser, Wanetta Gibson, recently friended Banks on Facebook after his release from prison, saying she was "more mature" now than she was when she fingered him for rape, and that she hoped he would "let bygones be bygones." But she was reluctant to repeat her retraction to prosecutors lest she be forced to forfeit the $1.5 million civil settlement her mother won on her behalf from her suit against the Long Beach school district as a result of her claims against Banks.

Although Banks was relieved his conviction was finally overturned, he told reporters: "But there is always the question of why did it have to happen in the first place? Why wasn't I heard with the truth of what happened when I was 16?"  

The 27-year-old African-American athlete hopes to return to a career in football if a team will give him a chance to prove himself. In an on-air interview, he stated: "Good things come to those who hustle while they wait." He plans to sue the government but not the woman who made the initial accusation against him. Nor does it appear that L.A. prosecutors are eager to pursue charges against Gibson, saying such charges are difficult to prove. Meanwhile, Banks has expressed his desire to let go of bitterness and anger that would only hold him back, because while everyone is responsible for their actions, "it wasn't necessarily my job" to hold Gibson accountable.

On his website, Banks posted:  "I am on a mission to take my life back. I need to ... tell the whole world my story ... so that everyone ... can understand the truth. I want to finally set the record straight. Hopefully, my story can serve as a catalyst for change. ... My story is the story of the power of the human spirit. My story is the story of overcoming the greatest of challenges life throws at you. My story is the story of being the best person you can, regardless of the situation life may put you in."

For more on this story, see:

After 5 Years in Prison, Former Prep Football Star Exonerated .... Yahoo! Sports
Brian Banks Wants Shot at NFL. ESPN
Ex-Football Player, Wrongly Jailed for Rape, Wants Money from State. Los Angeles Times
Brian Banks website

Questions to Consider

1. Who if anyone should hold Gibson responsible for her actions? What kind of penalties should be meted out to a person who commits perjury or libel or falsely accuses another person of a crime? Why is gossip so easily excused in Christian circles? Should we treat gossip more seriously in the church?  

2. Who is most responsible for the conviction of Brian Banks? What restitution, if any, should he receive, and from whom?

3. What do you think motivated Gibson to accuse Banks of a crime 10 years ago? What do you think motivated her to contact Banks after his release from prison and to recant her original accusation?

4, How would you react if you were in Banks' shoes today? Would you accept Gibson's claim that she was "more mature" now?  Would that be enough for you to "let bygones be bygones"?

5. How would you answer Banks' question about why this had to happen to him, and why the truth was not revealed when he was first accused?  

6. Why is it so important for victims to be heard?  How can truth-telling serve as a catalyst for change not only for individuals but for entire communities?

7. What steps has Banks taken that suggest he may be able to overcome the challenges life has thrown at him?  How can Christ help victims of injustice to "take their life back"?

Biblical References

Genesis 39:17-20
"... and she told him the same story, saying, 'The Hebrew servant, whom you have brought among us, came in to me to insult me; but as soon as I raised my voice and cried out, he left his garment beside me, and fled outside.' When his master heard the words that his wife spoke to him, saying, 'This is the way your servant treated me,' he became enraged. And Joseph's master took him and put him into the prison, the place where the king's prisoners were confined; he remained there in prison." (For context, read 39:7-20.)

Leviticus 19:16
"You shall not go around as a slanderer among your people, and you shall not profit by the blood of your neighbor: I am the Lord." (For context, read 19:1-18.)

Leviticus 6:2-5
"When any of you sin and commit a trespass against the Lord ... when you have sinned and realize your guilt, and would restore what you took by robbery or by fraud or the deposit that was committed to you, or the lost thing that you found, or anything else about which you have sworn falsely, you shall repay the principal amount and shall add one fifth to it. You shall pay it to its owner when you realize your guilt." (For context, read 6:1-7.)

Luke 3:14
"Soldiers also asked him, 'And we, what should we do?' He said to them, 'Do not extort money from anyone by threats or false accusation, and be satisfied with your wages.'" (For context, read 3:1-14.)

Mark 14:55-59, 64
"Now the chief priests and the whole council were looking for testimony against Jesus to put him to death; but they found none. For many gave false testimony against him, and their testimony did not agree. Some stood up and gave false testimony against him, saying, 'We heard him say, "I will destroy this temple that is made with hands, and in three days I will build another, not made with hands."' But even on this point their testimony did not agree. ... All of them condemned him as deserving death." (For context, read 14:55-65) (We aren't suggesting Banks is Christ-like, but simply noting that even Christ was convicted based on false testimony.)

Matthew 5:11
"Blessed are you when people revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account." (For context, read 5:1-12.)

Closing Prayer
 
O God, thank you for the gift of life. Strengthen us for the struggles life brings us, that we might find grace and courage to live fully every priceless minute you give us. And enable us to be channels of help and hope for people in despair. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Copyright 2012 Communication Resources