Daughter Carrie Fisher and Mother Debbie Reynolds Die One Day Apart

The Wired Word for the Week of January 8, 2017

In the News

One of the saddest things for a parent is when his or her child dies before the parent does. Such an occurrence seems like a disturbance in the natural order of things. It happens often enough that it's not really unnatural, but the loss can feel like a body blow to the survivors.

We saw that illustrated in the closing days of 2016 when actress, writer, producer and humorist Carrie Fisher, 60, most widely known for her role as Princess Leia in the Star Warsfilm series, died four days after a medical emergency -- later determined to be a heart attack -- while on board a flight from London to Los Angeles.

Fisher's mother Debbie Reynolds, 84, a singer and Oscar-nominated actress who shot to fame after starring in Singin' in the Rain at age 19, died the next day. She was in her son Todd Fisher's home to plan Carrie's funeral at the time of her passing. According to her son, Reynolds said, "I want to be with Carrie" shortly before she died.

Although officially, Reynolds' death was due to a stroke, many people hearing this news of her passing coming on the heels of her daughter's demise, suggested that Reynolds died of a broken heart.

Todd Fisher took a slightly different view, stating that his mother joined his sister in death because Reynolds "didn't want to leave Carrie and did not want her to be alone." He added, however, that "she didn't die of a broken heart" but rather that "She just left to be with Carrie."

In a strict sense, both explanations are speculative, though interpretations such as those have long had a place in common parlance when loved ones die within a short time span of each other. But there is also medical evidence that grief can contribute to a negative physical impact that can sometimes lead to death.

Doctors even have a name for the condition: broken-heart syndrome.

Benedict Carey, writing in The New York Times about the possibility of Reynolds dying of a broken heart, quoted Dr. Suzanne Steinbaum, director of women's heart health at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York, who said that the sudden loss of a loved one sets off "an overflow of stress hormones, and the heart can't take it." She added "It appears to be a massive heart attack," but "the heart is literally stunned." While most people so afflicted survive, a small percentage do not.

Carey also quoted Dr. Anne Curtis, chair of medicine at the Jacobs School of Medicine and Biomedical Sciences at the University at Buffalo, who said, "I've seen estimates that about 1 percent of perceived heart attacks" are because of broken-heart syndrome, "and that seems about right. I think every cardiologist has seen cases."

Such a stunning of the heart could also have contributed to the stroke that ended Reynolds' life, Carey said.

Todd Fisher said he's planning a joint funeral for his mother and sister, with burial side by side.

More on this story can be found at these links:

Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher: Hollywood's Mother-Daughter Fable. The New York Times 
Did Debbie Reynolds Die of a Broken Heart? The New York Times 
It Was Debbie Reynolds' 'Destiny' to Be With Carrie Fisher, Todd Fisher Says. ABC News 
Billie Lourd Breaks Silence on Deaths of Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds. CBS News

Applying the News Story

Sooner or later, grief comes to us all because of the death of someone we love. Grief is a natural though painful response, and it can be even more painful if the death was untimely or if the relationship with the departed one was complicated.

The Bible has some things to say to us about grief that, while not diminishing the pain, can make a difference for us as we go on.

The Big Questions

1. If you have known someone who died, seemingly from a broken heart (regardless of the official cause of death), what characteristic of that person's relationship with the person they were grieving over led you to that conclusion?

2. When, if ever, have you been overwhelmed with grief? What, if anything, helped you eventually to be able to carry on with life? What role did your faith in Christ play?

3. In your experience with grief or with others who are mourning, it is true that "time heals all wounds" as the old saying goes? Have you found that people sometimes expect you to be "over" your grief after what they judge is sufficient time? How does that make you feel? Are they at times right? Some cultures have a traditional "period of mourning," when a bereft person is expected to grieve and put off decisions that might be affected by emotions. How can that be helpful?

4. When you are deeply in grief and ask God for directions, might God's message likely be, "Go on. Go on with this life you have been given. Feel the pain, grieve with all your heart, cherish the memory of your loved on, but live"? Why or why not?

5. We often hear of spouses dying together or within hours or days of each other, less so of a parent dying so close to the time their child dies -- and yet parents of deceased children surely claim it as the worst possible event to survive. Does God give us that much control over our spirit that we can "give up" and "let go"? Explain your answer.

Confronting the News With Scripture and HopeHere are some Bible verses to guide your discussion:

2 Samuel 18:33
The king was deeply moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept; and as he went, he said, "O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!" (For context, read 18:5-15, 31-33.)

King David's son Absalom had led a revolt against his father in an attempt to usurp the throne. Despite the fact that Absalom had become his father's enemy, David instructed that his army should "deal gently" with his son (v. 5). However, one of David's commanders led the slaying of Absalom (vv. 14-15).

The verse above describes David's reaction upon learning that his son was dead.

Biblical commentator Bruce C. Birch says about this verse, "There is no more poignant portrayal of human grief and desolation in all of Scripture than in this single verse. David, who had received the news of his infant son's death with stoic resignation ([2 Samuel]12:19-23) is undone by news of Absalom's death. The battle, the rebellion, the throne -- all of this is irrelevant in this moment. David is wracked with unrestrained grief and cries out in anguish. No longer is Absalom the 'young man' (18:5, 29, 32). He is 'my son' (five times in this verse), and 'Absalom' (three times in this verse). David has grieved with poetic eloquence over Saul and Jonathan (1:17-27), and with stoic resignation over his infant son (12:19-23). But this time there is no capacity for eloquence, and the king is not resigned to this ending of a father's hopes. This is the most elemental and deeply human moment in all of David's story" (The New Interpreter's Bible, Vol. 2).

This verse also bring to mind Job, having lost his many children (along with suffering other trials). His three friends came to him and, for the first seven days just sat with him saying nothing (Job 2:13). That seemed to be their best care; once they started speaking, they weren't nearly as helpful.

Questions: If you were one of King David's trusted counselors, what, if anything, would you say to him at this point? Is it possible that the best thing would be to just come and be present with him silence, without trying to find the "right thing" to say?
If you have experienced a devastating grief, what brought you the first glimmer of hope that you would survive? What words spoken by friends or loved ones were helpful? What words were not helpful, even if they meant well?
What might you do today with someone you know today who is brokenhearted and grieving?

Matthew 2:16-18When Herod saw that he had been tricked by the wise men, he was infuriated, and he sent and killed all the children in and around Bethlehem who were two years old or under, according to the time that he had learned from the wise men. Then was fulfilled what had been spoken through the prophet Jeremiah:

"A voice was heard in Ramah,
wailing and loud lamentation,
Rachel weeping for her children;
she refused to be consoled, because they are no more." 
(No context needed.)

This is the account of King Herod ordering the death of young Jewish children in a failed attempt to kill the baby Jesus, whom Herod perceived as a threat to his throne. The part of the passage within the quote marks is Matthew the gospel writer quoting Jeremiah 31:15, which he applies to the grief over the massacre of the infants.

In the original Jeremiah context, "Rachel," who was the favorite wife of Jacob the patriarch, is used symbolically to portray the inconsolable grief over the people of Judah being sent into exile in Babylon. The nation as such was "no more." In the very next verse in Jeremiah, however, God promises the restoration of the people "back from the land of the enemy."

But in the Matthew context, the image of inconsolable Rachel -- now representing the Jews of Bethlehem, and especially the parents of the slain infants, as well as Jews in general -- stands alone, without any promise of restoration. "Rachel" has lost her children, and she refuses to be comforted.

In the commentary above, under 2 Samuel 18:33, Bruce Birch says of that verse, "There is no more poignant portrayal of human grief and desolation in all of Scripture than in this single verse." But it seems to us that this description of "wailing and loud lamentation" from the parents in Bethlehem runs a close second.

Questions: What comfort is there for those who have lost loved ones, regardless of their age? At what point might the gospel message be some help? When might it seem only wishful thinking? Why?
It's sad enough when a parent loses a child through a fluke event or an illness, but when it is the deliberate result of malice it seems especially cruel. Why do you think a mass killing seems worse if it involves children? What comfort, if any, do memorials and remembrances bring?

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. (For context, read 5:1-12.)

Though this verse from the Beatitudes is well known, its meaning is not easy to grasp. Jesus is here saying that there is a certain blessedness or even happiness for mourners because they can receive the comfort of God.

But if you've grieved deeply, that can be hard to affirm. Perhaps the best we can say is that God's comfort is something that cannot be fully understood and received apart from having need of it.

In this verse, Jesus is also alluding to the ultimate outcome of people who in faith cling to God, even through great grief. Things that seem to be diametrically opposed -- grief and comfort, for example -- become, under God's hand, the poles of creative tension in which we live out our faith and eventually arrive at the heavenly kingdom.

The verse also is an example of what we might call the curious dynamic of faith, which is that it's not all about cheerfulness and certainty.

That is to say that God's truth is not limited to what reason can grasp, but it's still real and effective.

Another contrast to faith as certainty is to note that faith means trusting God -- not that he will produce a specific outcome, but that he will be faithful and will work all things "together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Questions: In what ways have you experienced God's comfort? What need opened you to receive it? From where do you draw the strength to wait when God's timetable for healing is different from yours?

Ecclesiastes 3:4… a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance ... (For context, read 3:1-8.)
Romans 12:15Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. (For context, read 12:9-21.)

The Ecclesiastes verse reminds us that grief is a part of what it means to be alive on this earth. We may also hear in it that grief doesn't happen all at once and then it's over. Grief may ebb and flow.

In Romans, Paul reminds us that, in all these events, we are not alone, but have the fellowship of other Christians -- and that we are to provide fellowship to others in turn.

Question: How might you apply the verses to your prayers? Have you ever had to put off grief for yourself in order to aid others through a difficult time? Were you able to give yourself grieving time later?

Deuteronomy 33:27 (NIV)
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. (No context needed.)
1 Thessalonians 4:13-14
But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about those who have died, so that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For ... we believe that Jesus died and rose again … (For context, read 4:13-18.)

The verse from Deuteronomy is a reminder that God does not leave us to fall ever deeper and deeper into grief but has placed beneath us his "everlasting arms," which form a "floor" below which the faithful will not fall.

In the verses from 1 Thessalonians, Paul reminds us that Christians have grounds for not grieving "as others do who have no hope." And he goes on to point to the source of that hope: the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

That hope tells us that in the end, a lifetime of "going on" will take us to the kingdom where there is no more crying or mourning or dying any more (Revelation 21:4). When God's comfort meets our grief, something healing and restorative happens, and it leads us to the place where grief fades away at the dawn of a new and everlasting day.

Questions: When it comes to grief over the death of someone close to us, we Christians understand it not as a slammed door, but as an open portal into eternity with God. But if we're honest, we also have to recognize that the promise of heaven does not negate our pain, just as Jesus even felt pain at the death of his friend (John 11:35). How does it help? How would you explain the Christian hope to someone who didn't know what it is?

For Further Discussion

1. Respond to this, from TWW editorial team member Stan Purdum: "When I was in seminary, as part of our training in helping people deal with grief, I was sent along with some other students to a meeting of a grief support group. One of the attendees was a woman, 26 years old, who was the mother of two children. One evening, she and her husband went out for dinner, and in the course of the meal, a chicken bone had become lodged in her husband's throat. He choked to death right in front of her eyes, and she was suddenly a widow.
            "This tragedy had occurred a full year earlier, but the young woman was still reeling from the grief his death had caused. When she spoke in the session, she said something to the effect that although she was taking good care of her children, it felt pointless to her because someday they would die too."

2. TWW team member Frank Ramirez says that decades ago, a family he'd met at a rural congregation where he'd been summer pastor, lost their teenaged son when he was mangled to death inside a harvester. Their response was to donate land to their church, which led to their congregation choosing to move from a landlocked location to an open space where new homes were being built. Ramirez also tells of a person he know, whose daughter was killed in a car accident. That parent created a foundation that is funded by annual Thanksgiving four-mile runs in different locales. What other responses have you witness from people who have lost a child to death?

3. Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher have been in the awareness of several generations. Movies like Singin' in the Rain and Star Wars made them part of our lives. Do you think some who grieve draw strength from knowing many people are sharing their loss? How have you experienced this? How?

Responding to the News

If you are grieving, you may find the information at this webpage helpful.

Prayer (from The Book of Common Prayer)

Almighty God, grant to all who mourn a sure confidence in thy fatherly care, that, casting all their grief on thee, they may know the consolation of thy love. Amen.