Cruise and Holmes End Their Interfaith
Marriage
The Wired Word for the
Week of July 22, 2012
In the News
After five years of marriage,
Hollywood power couple Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are breaking up. Holmes
filed for divorce on June 28, and just two weeks later they "amicably
settled" their divorce, according to an attorney. This would be an unremarkable
celebrity split if not for one factor: They had an interfaith marriage. Holmes
was raised Roman Catholic, and Cruise is a passionate Scientologist.
Like a large number of
Americans -- one in four -- Cruise and Holmes married a partner who did not
share their faith. This creates opportunities for personal growth, but also
unique problems. One of the biggest challenges is deciding how to provide
spiritual nurture to children. Since their breakup, Holmes has enrolled their
daughter in a Catholic school in New York City, and Holmes herself may be
returning to the Catholic church.
Their interfaith marriage
reflects a national trend, one that has been fueled by the increasing
individualism of religious belief in America. "As people stray from
religious institutions and follow a plurality of spiritual paths," writes
Lisa Miller in The Washington Post, "their tolerance for interfaith
marriage increases."
According to American
Grace, a 2010 book by social scientists Robert Putnam and David Campbell,
only about one in three people born in the 1960s believe that shared religious
beliefs are "very important" for a successful marriage, and that
number is shrinking. It may be that Cruise and Holmes believed that they could
work through their religious differences with love, respect and mutual
goodwill. Or perhaps they thought that their differences were not so great. In
a 2005 interview with W magazine, Holmes said that she liked
Scientology. "I was raised Catholic," she said, "and you can be
a Catholic and a Scientologist, Jewish and a Scientologist."
It is rare, however, that
interfaith couples achieve balance in their spiritual lives. From the
beginning, Cruise exerted greater religious influence on the family, and the
couple's wedding was performed by a Scientology minister (despite the hopes of
Holmes' devout parents for a Catholic wedding). In 2006, Cruise declared to
ABC's Diane Sawyer that their child would not have a Catholic baptism.
And now, with the marriage
ending, religious tensions may even increase. "In divorce," says
Sanford Ain, a Washington divorce lawyer, to The Washington Post, "people
who have very strongly held beliefs are moved to the extreme. The polarization
is so great as to cause wars." It remains to be seen whether Holmes will
succeed in raising their daughter as a Catholic, or if Cruise will bring her up
as a Scientologist.
While freedom of religion is a
core American conviction, the sobering fact is that divorce is three times more
prevalent in interfaith families with children than in same-faith households.
Cathy Lynn Grossman comes to this conclusion in USA Today, based on 2001
research from the American Religious Identification Survey. Ten percent of all
U.S. adults who have had children with someone of another faith are divorced, compared
with 3 percent for parents of the same faith.
The impact is felt not only by
families: Interfaith households cause religious denominations to lose three to
six future adherents. This occurs when parents choose one faith (or none) for
their children. Catholic parents in interfaith marriages do the best in raising
their children in the faith (66 percent), with lower rates of success by
Lutherans (54 percent), Methodists (51 percent) and Episcopalians (31 percent).
No conclusions were reached about Scientologists.
Cruise and Holmes entered
their interfaith marriage with high hopes, intending to blend their beliefs in
a way that would be beneficial to them both. But they, like so many interfaith
families, found that they could not overcome their differences. It remains to
be seen if their daughter will hold on to both faiths, one faith or no faith at
all.
More on this story can be
found at these links:
The Big Questions
1. Men and women come to
marriage from different families, with different experiences, perspectives and
politics. What are the unique challenges of religious differences?
2. Young people in their 20s
and 30s often have strong personal faith, although less loyalty to organized
religion than previous generations. What are the advantages of such an
individualistic faith? What are the disadvantages?
3. How important should faith
be in finding and choosing a partner? Describe the challenges and opportunities
created by marrying a person of the same faith, a different faith or no faith.
4. What values should be
nonnegotiable in a marriage? How would it be difficult to maintain these values
in certain interfaith marriages? Be specific.
5. How can interfaith parents
raise children well? What can be done to honor differences in faith
perspectives?
6. Where do you see interfaith
marriages working for the benefit of families? What are the factors that make
them successful?
7. What are the unique
challenges of interdenominational marriages, as opposed to interfaith
marriages? Discuss the issues -- both positive and negative -- that can arise
in a marriage between Christians of different denominations.
8. In your opinion, does it
say something positive or negative about the strength of one's faith when one
chooses to marry an individual of another faith?
Confronting the News with Scripture
Here are some Bible verses to guide your discussion:
Exodus 34:12-16
"Take care not to make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land to which you are going, or it will become a snare among you. You shall tear down their altars, break their pillars, and cut down their sacred poles (for you shall worship no other god, because the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God). You shall not make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land, for when they prostitute themselves to their gods and sacrifice to their gods, someone among them will invite you, and you will eat of the sacrifice. And you will take wives from among their daughters for your sons, and their daughters who prostitute themselves to their gods will make your sons also prostitute themselves to their gods." (For context, read 34:10-28).
God renews his covenant with Moses and the Israelites, after the incident with the Golden Calf. Part of this renewal is God's promise to drive out the inhabitants of the Promised Land, if the Israelites avoid intermarriage with these foreign people. The reason for this prohibition is that God knows that the foreign wives will continue to worship their gods, and that they will lead the sons of the Israelites to worship foreign gods.
Questions: What are the "foreign gods" that continue to
entice us today? In what sense is God still a "jealous God"? How can
interfaith marriage cause us to lose our focus on the one Lord God?
Numbers 12:1-3
"While they were at Hazeroth, Miriam and Aaron spoke against Moses because of the Cushite woman whom he had married (for he had indeed married a Cushite woman); and they said 'Has the LORD spoken only through Moses? Has he not spoken through us also?' And the LORD heard it. Now the man Moses was very humble, more so than anyone else on the face of the earth." (For context, read 12:1-16.)
Moses married a Cushite woman, who presumably practiced a different faith. Miriam and Aaron criticize him for this marriage, and God hears their words. God comes to the three of them in a pillar of cloud and expresses his support for Moses, the one with whom he speaks "face to face" (v. 8). God's anger is kindled against Miriam and Aaron, and Miriam is inflicted with leprosy.
Questions: Why does God support Moses in this controversy over his Cushite
wife? What qualities does Moses possess that make him an effective leader of
the Israelites, even with his interfaith marriage?
Ruth 4:9-10
"Then Boaz said to the elders and all the people, 'Today you are witnesses that I have acquired from the hand of Naomi all that belonged to Elimelech and all that belonged to Chilion and Mahlon. I have also acquired Ruth the Moabite, the wife of Mahlon, to be my wife, to maintain the dead man's name on his inheritance, in order that the name of the dead may not be cut off from his kindred and from the gate of his native place; today you are witnesses." (For context, read 4:1-22.)
An Israelite named Naomi moves with her husband Elimelech and their sons, Chilion and Mahlon, to Moab in a time of famine. The sons marry Moabite wives, Orpah and Ruth. Then Elimelech, Chilion and Mahlon die. Naomi decides to move back to her hometown of Bethlehem, and daughter-in-law Ruth insists on going with her, saying, "Your people shall be my people, and your God my God" (1:16). In Bethlehem, Ruth meets a prominent rich man named Boaz. He and Ruth marry, and she becomes an ancestor of King David.
Questions: Ruth the Moabite marries Boaz the Israelite, and the
marriage works. What are the actions and attitudes that make this possible?
List the positive attributes of each of the main characters: Naomi (1:6-14),
Ruth (1:15-18), Boaz (2:1-13).
Ezra 10:2-3
"Shecaniah son of Jehiel, of the descendants of Elam, addressed Ezra, saying, 'We have broken faith with our God and have married foreign women from the peoples of the land, but even now there is hope for Israel in spite of this. So now let us make a covenant with our God to send away all these wives and their children, according to the counsel of my lord and of those who tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law." (For context, read 10:1-15).
At the end of the Babylonian captivity, the Israelites are allowed to return to Jerusalem and to begin to rebuild the temple. Worship is restored in Jerusalem, the temple is rededicated, and a priest named Ezra leads a renewal movement among the Israelites. Part of this renewal is a denunciation of mixed marriages, which culminates in the separation of the Israelites from their foreign wives and their children.
Questions: When is it appropriate to dissolve an interfaith marriage?
Is the desire for religious purity sufficient, as it was in Ezra's time, or
must other factors be present? If so, what are they?
1 Corinthians 7:12-14
"To the rest I say -- I and not the Lord -- that if any believer has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. And if any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." (For context, read 7:1-16).
In his directions to the Corinthians concerning marriage, the apostle Paul counsels people to remain unmarried if they are single, and to avoid separation and divorce if they are married. This extends even to interfaith marriages, because Paul is convinced that unbelievers are made holy through their relationship with a believing spouse. He goes so far as to say, "Wife, for all you know, you might save your husband. Husband, for all you know, you might save your wife" (v. 16).
Questions: How do you account for the differences in attitude between
Ezra and Paul on the topic of interfaith marriage? Where do you see evidence
that an unbelieving spouse can be "made holy" through a marriage to a
believer? How would your feelings change about a union that began as an
interfaith marriage, and evolved into one where both partners were believers?
2 Corinthians 6:14-15
"Do not be mismatched with unbelievers. For what partnership is there between righteousness and lawlessness? Or what fellowship is there between light and darkness? What agreement does Christ have with Beliar? Or what does a believer share with an unbeliever?" (For context, read 6:14-18.)
Paul's advice that interfaith marriages not be broken through divorce does not imply that he supports those marriages in the first place. In fact, he describes them as a partnership between righteousness and lawlessness, light and darkness. This supports his argument that Christians are "the temple of the living God" (v. 16), a temple that has no room for idols.
Questions: Discuss the assertion that an unbeliever is living in
"lawlessness" and "darkness." How is this accurate, and how
is it misleading? Where, if anywhere, can the light of God be seen outside of
the Christian faith?
For Further Discussion
1. Many interfaith families
get tired of religious fights, and so they give up on religion altogether. How
can this be avoided?
2. Can marriage to a
nonbeliever create an opportunity for witnessing and conversion? What are the
keys to success?
3. Do you consider marriage
between a believer and a nonbeliever an interfaith marriage? Why or why not?
4. What questions are
important enough to be settled before marriage? Finances, career goals, raising
of the children in a particular faith? How would you prioritize them?
5. A young girl (who is now a
professor of Old Testament at a liberal arts college) had a father who was an
old Dunker (part of the Church of the Brethren), who worshipped on Sunday,
while her mother was a member of the Seventh Day German Baptist tradition. At
first the mother continued to worship on Saturday at her church and on Sunday
with her husband, but when children came along she decided that was no longer
practical, and that she would attend Sunday services. The daughter found herself
taunted by other Seventh Day Baptist children who told her she was going to
hell for worshipping on the wrong day. The ensuing conversation the daughter
had with her mother helped shape her understanding of Scripture as something
that required interpretation based on factors including experience and
relationship. Are there religious issues that are not negotiable? What biblical
issues are important to you but are shaped by your experience? When have you
changed your practices based on a relationship with another person?
6. Did you grow up in an
interfaith household? How did your parents navigate this landscape? Are you, or
have you been, married to someone of another faith? How has that worked? What
are the positives and negatives that you have experienced?
Responding to the News
Have a conversation with a friend or relative who is part of an interfaith marriage or interdenominational marriage. Be aware of the unique challenges that are connected to such unions, and do what you can to be supportive of their vows. Marriages are challenging in the best of circumstances, and interfaith unions need an extra measure of compassion and support.
Other News This Week
American Olympic
Marathoner Considers God His Coach
As a boy, he imagined a career in baseball, not on the track. He wanted to be like his father, Mickey Hall, a pitcher drafted by the Baltimore Orioles. Whenever he came back from a run, he'd say, "I'm not a runner."
Yet he won multiple California high school championships and an NCAA title at 5,000 meters while a sociology student at Stanford, and ran the 2011 Boston Marathon at the blistering speed of a personal-best 2 hours, 4 minutes, 58 seconds. So how did Ryan Hall end up the fastest American marathoner, who competed in the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing and, at age 29, is headed to London to represent the USA again this summer?
One word: God. Ryan claims that as a teenager, he had a vision from God urging him to run around a lake. The next weekend, wearing basketball shoes, Ryan and his father ran 15 miles. The rest, as they say, is history.
Ryan, a member of a Pentecostal Church, considers God his coach. In 2011, while participating in a routine drug testing procedure for runners, Hall listed God as his coach on a form. An official told him he had to write the name of a real person, to which Hall responded, "He is a real person."
Although Hall has had human coaches (including his dad) in the past, he says, "I really believe God is always wanting to speak to me and reveal secrets to me and tell me what I need to be doing." He pores over the Scriptures, seeks God's guidance in prayer and listens to sermons for inspiration.
New York Times columnist Jere Longman describes Hall's training regimen as "experimental and unorthodox." Ryan trains alone, at sea level, not high altitude. To stay fresh, he incorporates periods of rest into his workouts, running 100 miles a week instead of the typical 120, taking one day off every week because the Bible says that God rested on the seventh day and commanded us to rest on the Sabbath as well. Every seven weeks, he runs once a day instead of twice, the standard for most marathoners.
While running or thinking of running, Hall says he feels most conversant with and dependent on God. By using his skill as a runner, he believes he is best able to show God to the world, to display his goodness and his love. As for how he places at the summer Olympics, he says he has "no expectations and zero limitations." He is both hopeful and uncertain but doesn't need to win gold to feel fulfilled.
"It's going to take a special day," Hall said of his gold medal chances. "But I feel like I went for it, regardless of how the race goes. I'll always look back on this as a season of joy. Sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. That's part of the fun of life, taking some chances and seeing what happens."
More on this story can be found at these links:
The Extra 1%, Ryan Hall Blog
How It All Started, Running With Joy Blog
A Runner's Belief: God Is His Coach, The New York Times
Who Is The Greatest Runner of All Time? Running With Joy Blog
Some Questions and Bible Verses
1. "I ... began learning about how running should flow out of my faith, not the other way around. ... I was a runner who happened to be a Christian," Ryan Hall said. "I needed to become a Christian who happened to be a runner." Have you made the leap from a (fill in the blank) who happens to be a Christian to a Christian who happens to be a (fill in the blank)? What is the difference between these two approaches to faith?
2. Ryan Hall wrote, "Sometimes pushing harder is not the answer. It takes self-control, confidence and intuition to know when to train and when to rest, but when in question error [sic] on the side of being over rested." What is the difference between resting and being just plain lazy? Why do you think Hall recommends choosing rest over pushing harder? Why does it take self-control and confidence to rest when all those around you seem to be pushing past you?
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (No further context needed.)
Luke 10:38-42
"Now … a woman named Martha received [Jesus] into her home. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to what he was saying. But Martha was distracted by her many tasks; so she came to him and asked, 'Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the work by myself? Tell her then to help me.' But the Lord answered her, 'Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.'" (No further context needed.)
Questions:
Are you more likely to
labor and serve, or to listen and learn? What prevents you from sitting at
Jesus' feet and listening to his teaching more often? What are some of the
things that distract and worry you? Is it possible that some of those
distractions are actually religious in nature? What is the "one
thing" that Jesus calls "the better part"?
3. When Samuel went to anoint one of Jesse's sons as king of Israel, he assumed God had chosen the eldest, until God emphatically indicated he was not the one. How do we humans measure greatness? How do we define "the best there ever was" by human standards?
1 Samuel 16:6-7
"When [Jesse’s sons] came, [the prophet Samuel] looked on Eliab and thought, 'Surely the LORD'S anointed is now before the LORD.' But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for the LORD does not see as mortals see; they look on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." (For context, read 16:1-13.)
Psalm 147:10-11
"His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the speed of a runner; but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love." (For context, read 147:1-20.)
Luke 9:46-48
"An argument arose among them as to which one of them was the greatest. But Jesus, aware of their inner thoughts, took a little child and put it by his side, and said to them, 'Whoever welcomes this child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me; for the least among all of you is the greatest.'" (For context, read 9:43-48.)
Consider these words from one of Ryan Hall's blog posts: "[If Luke 9:46-48 were] translated in a RV (Runners Version …) ... when I think of the greatest runners of all-time my thoughts immediately go to guys like Bernard Lagat, Haile Gebrselassie, Hicham El Guerrouj and others. But who would Jesus tell me is the greatest? Who would He pull in front of me and tell me I needed to be like in order to be the 'greatest runner of all-time?' I feel like I would be surprised by who Jesus would sit [sic] in front of me. I think I probably wouldn't have read their name in Runners World or watched them win an Olympic medal on television. ... I have a feeling that He would pull someone out of the Chicago Marathon who trained very hard for months, transforming their out-of-shape body into one that can cover 26.2 miles even if it takes them 4, 5 or 6 hours to cross the finish line. Perhaps he would put one of the many runners who run for a cause or in memory of a lost one. Maybe He would put that person that only runs because they want to spend meaningful time with friends and family out on the road. ... Whoever Jesus would put in front of me I am confident of this: that it would be the heart of that runner that God sees as great and the ability they have to run with a heart full of love for God, self, and others, not the speed of their legs."
Questions:
As children, we are
taught not to judge a book by its cover, yet what do we so often look at when
we look at people? By contrast, what does God see? What pleases God? What
constitutes greatness, according to Jesus?
4. After placing 10th in the marathon in the 2008 Beijing Olympics, Hall was so disappointed that he was unable to watch a replay of the race for three years. Eventually, that defeat in Beijing changed from deflating to liberating for Hall. He embraced risk and lost his fear of failure.
"I don't see failure as a negative thing at all anymore," Hall said. "I just see that as part of my training, my process, learning, experimenting, getting it wrong so that I can get it right. ... Sometimes, you have to fail your way to the top. ... Thomas Edison found a thousand ways not to make a light bulb before he got it right."
One of the things that the apostle Paul did was change the concept of what it meant to be a winner. In Paul's day there was no second place. Only one person won in each event in the Olympics and the Corinthian games. Paul used athletic imagery when it came to preparing and punishing ourselves, but it is clear he meant that we can all be champions. Certainly each of us who does their best is a winner.
2 Corinthians 4:7
"But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us." (See also John 15:4 and Philippians 4:13.)
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (NIV)
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (Compare Isaiah 40:29-31.)
Questions:
What is the purpose of
human failure or weakness? What can we learn from discovering our own frailty?
5. "There's a verse in the Bible that says we have the mind of Christ," Ryan's wife Sara said. "God can work in your own thoughts. His thoughts become your thoughts." Ryan said that during times of prayer or meditation on a Bible passage, he gains a sense of empowerment and direction from God regarding how he should train and strategize for an upcoming race. Hall is still learning to distinguish his own thoughts from what he believes are God's words to him.
1 Corinthians 2:9-10, 12, 16
"But, as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him' -- these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit; ... Now we have received not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit that is from God, so that we may understand the gifts bestowed on us by God. ... 'For who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?' But we have the mind of Christ."
Colossians 1:9-11
"For this reason, since the day we heard it, we have not ceased praying for you and asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of God's will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you may lead lives worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, as you bear fruit in every good work and as you grow in the knowledge of God." (For context, read 1:1-14.)
Ephesians 5:17
"So do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." (For context, read 5:15-20.)
Romans 12:1-2
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of you minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God -- what is good and acceptable and perfect." (No further context needed.)
Questions: Can we know and understand the will of God? How does God
reveal his will, to whom, and to what purpose? Does God reveal detailed plans
regarding mundane aspects of life, as well as about his great plan of
salvation?
Closing Prayer
God of covenant love, we ask your help in keeping the promises we have made to you and to one another. Keep us always faithful to you and loving toward one another, as we run the race that is set before us. In Jesus' name. Amen.
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